Memorandum to All Employees
Welcome to the team. Among the many operational protocols and standard operating procedures you will learn during your tenure, perhaps none is as culturally significant as the rich, deeply serious, and completely chaotic sport of BallBall.
All personnel are required to review the following history, rulebook, terminology, and historical archives carefully. Failure to do so may result in poor studio performance, elimination during a knockout round, or a direct violation of Company Ballicy.
Part I: The Ancient Origins of BallBall
The sport of "Ball Ball" has a rich and fascinating history that dates back several centuries. It is a unique and exciting game that requires exceptional footwork, coordination, and teamwork.
The origins of Ball Ball can be traced back to ancient civilizations. It is believed that a precursor to the sport was played in ancient China during the Han dynasty around the 2nd century BC. Early pioneers stood in a circle, using their feet to keep a ball made of woven materials or animal bladders in the air.
As trade and exploration expanded, so did the popularity of the game. Ball Ball spread to different regions of Asia and Europe through trade routes and cultural exchanges.
In the late 19th century, Ball Ball gained recognition as a formalized sport. Rules and regulations were standardized, marking the beginning of the sport's modern era.
Part II: Official Equipment & Evolutionary Precursors
While the ancients used animal bladders, our modern arena required adaptation and highly specific sporting goods.
Before DKO, there was Hamper Ball. Played as a high-stakes bonus round, a large bin was placed in the center of the circle and the standard ball was swapped out for a larger 16-inch variant. Once everyone in the circle registered a touch, the goal shifted to kicking the ball into the hamper. Each successful hamper sink renewed the round. The round only ended when the ball finally hit the ground. This thrilling variant directly paved the way for modern DKO.
Part III: The Modern Office Era (DKO)
Enter DKO -- a high-stakes, localized variant that tests office reflexes, panic management, and spatial awareness. To the untrained eye, it looks like a chaotic version of basketball "knockout" played with a giant ball. To the initiated, it is peak athletic performance.
- The Golden Rule: To score, a player must get the VERY LARGE 16-inch BallBall into the hamper using any body part except their hands and arms.
- The Knockout Mechanic: Players form a single-file line. Player 1 kicks. Slightly offset in time, Player 2 kicks. If Player 1 misses, they must frantically retrieve the ball and keep trying to score from wherever it lands, all while Player 2 is doing the exact same thing.
- Elimination: If the person behind you in the starting order sinks the ball into the hamper before you do, you are eliminated. If you score first, you retrieve the ball, pass it to the next person in line, and hustle to the back to survive another round.
Part IV: Advanced Roles, Terminology & Specialty Moves
Over years of intense studio sessions, specialized roles and highly technical maneuvers have emerged. You are expected to know the following terminology:
| Term | Definition |
|---|---|
| The 'Nip' | A highly specialized, tactical position deployed when a rally is suffering. A skill player enters the center of the circle, orienting themselves toward the current kicker to close the gap. (HR Note: Shortened from previous anatomical comparisons for legal reasons.) |
| Tiny Toes | Invented by Jason Drake. A tactic used to rack up a lot of kicks very quickly. Conversely, it is shouted aggressively by veterans to remind the group to settle down and execute small, controlled touches. |
| Move | Description |
|---|---|
| St. Nogustine | A holy title bestowed upon a player who achieves 10+ consecutive hits with their 'nog' (head). The current all-time record is held by Jeremy Albert with 30 consecutive nogs. |
| Round of Nogs (RoN) | A legendary sequence of consecutive headers by multiple players, honoring St. Nogustine. |
| Pink Eye | A highly hazardous combo move. Player A hits the BallBall with their posterior; Player B immediately follows up with a 'NoG' (head) for the next hit. |
| The Epidemic | The disastrous escalation of a Pink Eye. Happens when a Pink Eye successfully transitions directly into a full Round of Nogs (RoN). |
| The Scorpion | A devastatingly disrespectful no-look, behind-the-back kick. |
| Chin Lon | A style-heavy flair move involving a knee strike and a simultaneous lookaway, tracing back to ancient wicker ball play. |
| The DSD | Named after Dick Shot Dean. A localized assault wherein a player absolutely smashes a high-velocity kick directly into another player's midsection. |
| March of Dimes | Heavily influenced by Matty McMahon (P A C E R I V E R S). A rapid-fire series of consecutive knee hits. |
| Butts and Bellies | A highly specific technique whose mythical origins are incredibly cloudy in explanation. If you know, you know. |
| Mr. Trevor | The act of striking the ball while maintaining the rigid, impeccable, upright posture of a Fortune 500 CEO. |
| Loophole | Description |
|---|---|
| The Cat | A player may use their hands only if they fully commit to lying flat on their back and swatting at the BallBall with all four limbs, simulating a cat playing with yarn. |
| Hand of God | A rare allowance pioneered by Felicia Lahti, where a totally stray kick is magically and gracefully brought back into the circle by someone's hand or arm to save the rally. |
Part V: The Official Court (The Studio)
The official BallBall court is located at 605 E. Market Street in Indianapolis -- a one-of-a-kind, modern marvel of athletic architecture.
+-------------------------------------------------+
| [LIGHTING GRID / PROJECTOR BACKBOARD] |
| ~ Rated for 6 Hummers (DO NOT TEST) ~ |
| |
| .-~~~-. .-~~~-. |
| / CAM \ / GEAR \ [CAMERA] |
| \_______/ \_______/ [ GEAR ] |
| |
| * * * * * * * |
| * O * <- The Circle |
| * [HAMPER] * |
| * * |
| * * * * * * * |
| |
| [STUDIO FLATS] [TABLES] |
| (diveable) (also diveable) |
+-------------------------------------------------+
Part VI: The Mandatory "Company Ballicy"
Before a match can officially conclude and employees are permitted to return to their actual work, the players must form a circle. Every single person must register one solid touch (feet/body only) in a single, continuous rally. If the ball drops, the attempt is void, and the rally must start over.
This historically serves as a highly effective loophole to stretch "one last round" into a 15-minute delay.
Part VII: Historical Archives (The Records)
A true sport is defined by its numbers.
| Date | Record |
|---|---|
| 10/01/18 | 18 | 20 |
| 10/15/18 | 30 |
| 01/03/19 | 106 |
| 01/15/19 | 218 |
| 03/19/19 | 247 |
| 03/20/19 | 484 |
| 09/17/20 | 33 |
| 06/08/21 | 28 |
| Date | Record | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| 03/14/19 | 9 | |
| 06/07/19 | 24 | |
| 09/05/19 | 8 | big hamp, small ball |
| 10/13/21 | 6 |
Part VIII: The Hall of Influential Players
The culture of BallBall was built on the backs of its pioneers.
Part IX: The Official Soundtrack
The official DKO playlist is an unhinged, legendary collection of random tracks that nobody claims to like, yet provides the exact chaotic energy required.
Mandatory listening during all official matches.
or have a listen on Apple Music.
Part X: The Future of the Sport
Following the Golden Era, the sport faced its greatest threat: the transition to remote work. The records gap spanning 2022 to 2024 marks the "Dark Ages." Yet, the flame survived through sparse, defiant one-person records (such as Jeremy Albert's solo run of 25).
Now, the sport stands on the precipice of a renaissance.
On this day, new recruits Brandon Petite and Dan Oltizky will be brought into the fold. Furthermore, Allison Cates will be arriving in town to be officially inducted into the circle.
The old guard is quietly optimistic that this new blood will revive the game, shatter the 484 record, and push BallBall to evolve into a modern-day marvel once more.